Telephone no 01243 942666 email: barbara.hann@hushmail.com

Boundaries

One thing that keeps coming up when I work with women who have experienced some sort of childhood trauma, is the difficulty with setting, keeping and respecting boundaries. ( As I have said before, the term Childhood Trauma is now understood to refer to a whole range of experiences which have had a negative effect on the adult, not restricted to violence, severe neglect and so on.)

It may be that you aren't really sure what the term "boundaries" means.

A boundary is a limit you set, which reinforces your sense of self, and protects you from exploitation by others. All healthy relationships have boundaries. If, as a child, your boundaries were ignored- your feelings seen as unimportant, for example; the fact that you didn't feel comfortable giving Uncle Colin a kiss, but you were made to feel bad if you refused, or your family did not show how healthy boundaries work, then you would find boundaries hard to understand.

I have read a really good description of 4 types of boundaries that explain them really well- thanks to @the.holistic.psychologist

1. Physical boundaries: around our physical limits and personal space e.g.people touching us, allowing ourselves to rest, privacy.

2. Emotional boundaries: how you feel, who you engage with, how much of yourself you share.

3. Resource boundaries: around your time and energy. e.g. feeling able to refuse social invitations, agreeing to help for an agreed time only.

4. Material boundaries: about your possessions, how they are used and treated, e.g asking for someone to be sure to return a book they are borrowing.

It is common to feel guilty and anxious when you start to set boundaries. People with codependency issues especially find this hard. Having limits, and respecting the limits of others is not being unkind, but respectful of yourself and others. Boundaries show a sense of self-worth. You aren't responsible for how others react to your boundaries, only for how you respond to their reaction. It gets easier with practice.

The Inner Child

Stepping out of the play

I was having a discussion with someone the other day, and we were both guffawing about the conversations we have in our heads with other people.

Why am I so angry?

I have written in the past about the way that intense emotions, disproportionate to the trigger, are worth examining more fully. I wouldn't want to generalise, because everyone is unique, and trauma take different forms, but an overwhelming, swift reaction will often have its roots in your past.

Emotions are a sign that our needs are either being met, as in the case of agreeable feelings such as joy, contentment and so on, or NOT being met, as in the case of unpleasant or destructive emotions such as rage, sadness, jealousy.

Mindfulness and the Inner Child

It is a beauty of mindfulness, practised over time, that you get to create a space sometimes between your thoughts, feelings and behaviours, and YOU, the observer. You can then start to notice patterns that are worth investigating.

Your Person Pack

Ajahn Succitto, a Buddhist monk and teacher, referred in one of his teachings to the “Person Pack”.

This is the baggage we all hump around with us, made up of our genes, experiences, beliefs, feelings, preferences and so on.

Resentment

"Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies" Nelson Mandela

The above quote is, I think, pretty well known. Dr Gabor Mate describes resentment as poison to the soul. In my last blog I wrote about guilt, and how it can be useful.

If you accept the idea that all feelings have a purpose, you will know that its can sometimes be hard to see that purpose, especially if the feeling is so unpleasant.

Drama triangle- the Victim shifts.

My clients will probably become aware of the Drama Triangle (Stephen Karpman 1968) as a way of describing unhealthy interactions. There are some useful YouTube videos that illustrate this. https://youtu.be/y5fyKWaTXco

Once you learn about how it operates, and the different positions people adopt to keep the drama going, you will begin to see it in SO many situations. The roles can be obvious, or they can be quite subtle, so that you find yourself pulled into the game before you realise it.

Guilt

I have always believed that feelings are messengers we need to pay attention to, even if they are unpleasant. Sometimes, for reasons I will look at briefly in a minute, they become overwhelming and harmful, but very often we just try to shove them away if they make us uncomfortable.

After all, being happy is what it's all about, right? So, all we need to do is think positively, be nice, make gratitude lists, and believe that life is all sweetness and giggles. Said no-one.