Telephone no 01243 942666 email: barbara.hann@hushmail.com
Who's in the driving seat?
How often have you found yourself reacting to situations in way that take you so much by surprise you feel blindsided? A partner makes a comment, and immediately you feel a heat rise up inside, and, before you know it, you've said something defensive, or mean, that is out of proportion to the comment. Chances are, something close to the bone for you has been activated. Possibly something from your childhood.
Instead of your adult self responding in a thoughtful way- 'Really? Can you tell me what you mean by that?'- another part of you has flown in from the wings in your defence.
We develop ways to look after ourselves, or to make sure we survive, as infants, and these become deeply wired into our egos. They worked for us once, because we are here to tell the tale, but they may not be so helpful now. At worst, it can feel as if we are in the passenger seat of a car being driven by a drunk.
How can we get into the driving seat?
The first step is to notice what's happening, how it feels in the body. To try and understand where it comes from. Breathe. Buy yourself time.
The therapist/client relationship.
Imagine you are trying to climb up a steep and dangerous cliff face. Who would you prefer to help you climb- someone shouting directions from the top, or someone just a bit further up the cliff than you are, who can reach down and give you a hand? Imagine that the person just above you has the climbing kit, and has helped lots of people up cliffs before, but she recognises that every cliff is different, and every climber has her or his own way of climbing.
Sometimes a client will ask me what they should do. Sometimes it’s a very straightforward question that wants a simple answer, but even then, how would I know what is best for you? I’m afraid I often give the irritating, seemingly slippery, answer you’d expect from a therapist or counsellor. “What do you think I would say you should do?” That can open a whole new area to explore, because actually, it’s you who has the answer, not me.
Codependency- a perspective.
You are probably familiar with the idea that people with codependent issues famously put the needs of others first, often at the cost of their own wellbeing. This rarely leads to happiness or healthy relationships; more often it causes resentment and even ill health. When you are trying to change behaviours, it is often helpful to dig deep into what you are doing and why.
Lose the label.
The prominence of mental health in the media has had a positive effect overall, I think, and allowed people to feel more comfortable talking about their own issues. Certain celebrities have been very courageous in sharing their own experiences, and removed much of the stigma attached to mental illness. I think there has been a downside to this as well, which has meant that it has, in some instances, trivialised mental health.
What really matters to you?
A common thread for women with codependency issues is not being able to work out what they really want, let alone being able to ask for it.
Boundaries- continued
In my last post, I referred to the way that others might respond to you setting boundaries. Although boundaries are fundamental as part of your healing and self care, they can expose wounds in others, and even in yourself, at least in the short term.
They can feel like rejection or abandonment to those who have attachment wounds.
Boundaries
One thing that keeps coming up when I work with women who have experienced some sort of childhood trauma, is the difficulty with setting, keeping and respecting boundaries. ( As I have said before, the term Childhood Trauma is now understood to refer to a whole range of experiences which have had a negative effect on the adult, not restricted to violence, severe neglect and so on.)
The Inner Child
Stepping out of the play
I was having a discussion with someone the other day, and we were both guffawing about the conversations we have in our heads with other people.
Why am I so angry?
I have written in the past about the way that intense emotions, disproportionate to the trigger, are worth examining more fully. I wouldn't want to generalise, because everyone is unique, and trauma take different forms, but an overwhelming, swift reaction will often have its roots in your past.
Emotions are a sign that our needs are either being met, as in the case of agreeable feelings such as joy, contentment and so on, or NOT being met, as in the case of unpleasant or destructive emotions such as rage, sadness, jealousy.
Mindfulness and the Inner Child
It is a beauty of mindfulness, practised over time, that you get to create a space sometimes between your thoughts, feelings and behaviours, and YOU, the observer. You can then start to notice patterns that are worth investigating.
