Resentment
"Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies" Nelson Mandela
The above quote is, I think, pretty well known. Dr Gabor Mate describes resentment as poison to the soul. In my last blog I wrote about guilt, and how it can be useful.
If you accept the idea that all feelings have a purpose, you will know that its can sometimes be hard to see that purpose, especially if the feeling is so unpleasant.
Resentment feels horrible, and can be all-consuming. It can be caused by something another person. did, or did not do. Resentment doesn't serve any useful purpose other than showing you there's a need to make a change.
It may be that the change you need is to let go of it, to forgive the other person. That's often easier said than done! You keep running through your head the injustice, the unfairness, how could he have done that... like picking at a scab. You know it's not helping you heal, but you can't help going back to it.
Sometimes a shift in thinking can help.
What if your resentment was actually anger at yourself, misdirected at the other person through the lens of victimhood? (Of course, I'm not talking here about traumatic events where you have had no choice in the role you played.)
If you are a people-pleaser, you will find it easier to go with the flow, because setting limits for other people, and expressing your needs, is hard. You end up playing the victim, and resentment forms part of that.
Here's an example:
You agree with a friend to meet up somewhere. She arranges everything without checking with you if it suits you. After all, you've been pretty indecisive in the past, and she's used to taking the lead. You feel resentful that she's taken control, and this affects how you feel about her, and don't feel like meeting up with her now, but you will, because you don't want to upset her. You meet up, and actually it's quite enjoyable, but underneath, you are stewing!
Chances are, this is a pattern you repeat elsewhere, and it doesn't feel good.
Setting boundaries, taking responsibility for your own decisions, and risking disapproval MAY lead to you feeling guilty, but this has to be better than feeling resentment!
