Relationship Patterns
‘The first relationships we witness as children set the foundation for how we view love throughout life.” The Holistic Psychologist
So many of us grew up believing that love and relationship meant scorn, punishment, manipulation, control, enabling. The examples we had in front of us were often a sort of push and pull, a dance between people who appeared to be adults, yet behaved in puzzling ways. Examples not only in our families, but in films and on TV.
Our parents may have fallen for the popular myth: that love is a quest, a treasure hunt for that missing piece, the one thing that will make our lives whole. So much expectation projected on another can only disappoint, and so the dance begins.
Depending on the wound each participant carries, the dance can be a movement between parent and child roles- Marge and Homer Simpson, for example; in extremes it can be enactment of coercive control or violence. Usually you will see the Drama Triangle in play.
Films and TV often depict loving relationships in a way that is, frankly, unhealthy. “I can’t live without you” “If you loved me you would…” “I would give up everything for him/her”
Codependent people grow up confused, looking for the love we missed out on as children, but unsure where to find it or how to get it. We don’t trust ourselves, but instead believe we are defined by the behaviour of others. When we believe that, we betray ourselves to receive love.
You are not here to make other people happy.
Love’s purpose is not to complete you.
You are already complete.
Will Smith describes this well, I think!
