Codependency- a perspective.
You are probably familiar with the idea that people with codependent issues famously put the needs of others first, often at the cost of their own wellbeing. This rarely leads to happiness or healthy relationships; more often it causes resentment and even ill health. When you are trying to change behaviours, it is often helpful to dig deep into what you are doing and why.
This can be a painful process, and it's very important to do it with compassion and kindness towards yourself. Keep your inner critic firmly gagged!
When we behave in ways that are destructive to ourselves, and even to others, it is because of patterns we have learnt in order to survive. Maybe you learnt people-pleasing behaviours as a child to gain attention, approval, love, or survival, and changing them because they get in the way of living authentically can seem like a daunting task.
We continue self-destructive behaviours because we believe, on a subconscious level, that we gain something from them. It is worth looking at what the payoff for you might be, and here are a few possibilities:
- You get to inhabit the moral high ground. I am a giving person.
- You are in a "Beauty and the Beast" relationship. Good cop, bad cop.
- By focusing on the needs of others, you avoid looking at the chaos of your own life. You are living your life from the outside looking in.
- You are afraid of being abandoned. If you are needed, you won't be.
- You are controlling others' perceptions of you.
- You are controlling other people because you know what's best for them.
- You confuse love with need
- You are afraid of being alone
- You are afraid of being called selfish. (It is possible that once you start to set boundaries, this can happen. It's about the other person's expectations)
It is not your responsibility to make another person happy. You cannot fix another person, and trying to can take away their opportunity to learn and grow. As I said at the beginning, untangling your reasons for codependent behaviour can be uncomfortable, like changing any habit. You are learning to stay in your own lane.