Co- dependency
If you find yourself putting the needs of others before your own, exhausting yourself in the process, you may have co-dependent tendencies. You may be caught in a toxic relationship, being manipulated by someone who takes advantage of your inability to say “no”. You may be aware that there is a pattern to your relationships where you seem drawn to people who cannot possibly make you happy. Instead, your mission is to make THEM happy. You may find yourself doing things you didn’t really want to do, because you’re afraid people won’t like you or will think badly of you.
Co-dependency can show up in different ways. Some of these are:
- Low self-esteem
- One-sided relationships
- Needing to please
- Cleaning up others’ messes
- Rescuing
- Enabling
- Trying to fix
- Saying yes straight away without thinking about how you feel
- Making excuses for another’s bad behaviour
- Making another person’s happiness your priority
- Losing our sense of identity
- Being manipulated by others
- Trying to rescue another from feeling the painful consequences of their actions and choices
Counter-dependency
Coming from a similar source to co-dependency, counter-dependency has a slightly different way of showing up in your life.
If you find yourself pushing people away, even though you really long for a close relationship with someone, you may have counter-dependent tendencies. You may seem to other people to be strong and independent, but inside, you don't feel like that at all. You could be successful at work, but struggle with intimate relationships. You might:
- Try to hide normal fears, anxiety and insecurity from those around you
- Feel you can't express important feelings
- Try to always look good or be right
- Find it hard to trust people
- Feel attacked by others
- Feel anxious if you are in a close relationship
- Find it hard to ask for help
- Prefer to work alone
- Are scared of making mistakes
- Get angry easily when frustrated
- Have difficulty relaxing, always needing to keep busy
- Be afraid of being controlled or smothered by another's needs.
- Not really understand what other people want or need
- Think that any kind of touching- cuddling, stroking etc-is always sexual
- Be addicted to work, sex, activity or exercise.
Recovering from co-dependency or counter-dependency is a challenging and rewarding process, helping you to take responsibility for your own life, and learning to let go of trying to control others. You can learn how your early experiences have shaped the way you respond to other people, and that you can begin to have healthy, trusting relationships.
